Category Archives: Uncategorized

I’m Not Dead!

Hey There Fair Reader!

I know what you’re thinking, “Justin you bring your website to life, live at UCB, then never update it?”

That’s not true! Quit thinking that!

Who do you think I am, Crazy Heart?! What do you think, I go to malls, get drinks, and then leave websites!? I don’t and I won’t. BUT, I am working on some exciting projects that have taken up the majority of my time. In my absence, I will leave you with one of my favorite things I’ve seen in a fortnight, and or, in a fort, or at night. Disney’s “Paperman.” It’s honestly the best thing ever. Please watch. And if you’ll excuse me, I must go to a mall and get a drink. See ya website! (I’ll update soon!)

Subaru For Struggling Comedians – Justin J. Johnson

Hello Fair Reader! I was recently informed by an elder…and when you get informed by elders, you listen…that if you want something in life, just ask for it. Well then, I’m going to do just that. I’ve recently taken on the challenge of convincing Subaru that they should provide me with a Subaru! Why? Why wouldn’t they??! Not only do they get another Subaru off their hands, but they get one in the hands of a pretty stellar dude. And when a stellar dude drives a sube, well, that’s some great publicity. I can see it now! A young lady, with her boyfriend, standing outside of Trader Joe’s, watching me pull into the parking lot in a new Forester, thinking…

“Is that Justin J. Johnson?” the young lady asks.

“Who?” the dumb guy responds.

“Brilliant comedic actor and performer, Justin J. Johnson,” says the lovely lass.

“I don’t know who that is” says that dumb caveman.

“Justin J. Johnson is the most talented comedic actor of our generation. He’s like the next Mr. Bean or something.” says the beautiful girl who doesn’t really know who Mr. Bean is, but is trying to use a cool reference.

“Oh, no clue,” says that neanderthal, “but that car is rad” continues the getting smarter dude.

So there you go Subaru! That’s what COULD happen! Then they go buy a brand new Subaru, and she dumps him because he’s an idiot and doesn’t know who I am, but finds a great guy who’s a big fan, so it all works out!

Subaru For Unknown Comedians aka Justin J. Johnson
Subaru For Unknown Comedians aka Justin J. Johnson

My Dad’s Steps To Growing a Kickass Pumpkin Patch

Hey There Internet Audience and/or Metropolitan Opera House Audience (I assume you’re either reading this on the Internet, or this is being read to you at the MET as these are the only two options I know of when it comes to my “stuff”)!

First thing you should know about me: I’m a saucy gemini. The sauce? Sriracha. So really, I’m a sriracha gemini. Second thing you should know about me: I like to keep my personal life personal. Do I have a dog? You’ll never know. Do I live in a house? You’ll never know. Do I sleep at night? Dream on, you’ll never know. Also, why don’t people use, “dream on” as their departing phrase. A chance encounter with a friend at the Whole Foods. You exchange some small talk, they say they have to go and you know what you shoot right back at em? “Dream on! See you Tuesday.” I assume you’re going to see most of your friends on Tuesday, am I right?

Where was I? Oh yeah, personal life. You’re never going to know anything about me! But I will give you this…are you sitting down…are you ready?

I have a Dad. Scratch that. I have an AMAZING Dad. He’s the best. YOU DON’T BELIEVE ME?!?! Well guess what jerk, I’m going to prove you wrong.

Recently I visited my Dad’s place of residence…some call it his home. And in the yard, I stumbled upon this:

Yeah, that’s right. It’s a goddamned pumpkin patch! With a goddamned giant pumpkin! Did I mention he lives in the desert, and the pumpkin patch is in a random area of the yard. Yeah, that’s how he roles, like an effin champion! My Dad, the champ! Seeing this amazing thing I asked the question on everyone’s mind…how’d this come about Dad?

Welppp, get ready, because I’m going to share with you, my Dad’s secrets to growing a successful pumpkin patch!

Step 1: buy a pumpkin during Halloween.
Step 2: let it sit outside for a long time.
Step 3: dig a hole.
Step 4: crack the pumpkin and throw it in the hole.
Step 5: cover the hole.
Step 6: water the area.

BAM! To recap, my dad just took a pumpkin he bought, broke that sonuvabitch in half, threw it in a hole and BAM, a pumpkin patch!

He wins so hard at life! You guys are lucky to be reading his secrets.

Dream On,

Justin

It’s Time For Tampax Change!

Listen fair reader, I’m coming up with genius ideas DAILY! Maybe even minutely! But here’s the difference between myself and everyone else…I take the steps to make a difference! So naturally, when my recent idea came to revolutionize the Tampax and grocery store world, I decided to e-mail their customer service department and see if we could bring about some change…

Here is the full copy…

Hello! First and foremost, let me establish the fact that any girl I’ve ever known has fully endorsed your products. It’s safe to say I know nothing about tampons, but I do know lots of women use them. This, however, isn’t my life story from the perspective of tampons…I’ll save that for my memoirs.

This is more of a suggestion…I think tampons should be placed in random sections across the grocery store!

Why you ask? Well, I fear nothing…nothing at all. Snakes? Nope, don’t fear them. Spiders? Nope, could care less. Ghosts? “I ain’t fraid of no ghosts.” Tampon shopping? Nope, don’t care, I’ll buy em all day. But after watching a gentleman awkwardly buy them, I had a thought…

If these were in the meat aisle, you could casually buy a beefsteak and a period stopper. Easy, peezy! Put em in the hot sauce aisle, so you can casually purchase some Tapatio and Tampax! In fact…that’s a great slogan! USE IT! I’ll letcha! I’m all for uniting products in the grocery store. This isn’t just for Tampax, this is also for candles, tape, cereal, ketchup, tofu, soap, fresh fruit, bug spray, EVERYTHING! Too long these products have been segregated! It’s 2012, let’s just put them all together!!!

I hope you take my suggestion into consideration, and if I walk into the grocery store and find everything living together, not segregated to a specific aisle, I’ll know my time on this Earth was time well spent…and take that knowledge to the next Earth! Do you guys believe in 2nd Earth…let’s not get into that now!

T4L (Tampax 4 Life)