Category Archives: Justin Johnson Essays

These are essays/write-ups/etc’s of Justin J. Johnson

Chronicles of CreMAYtivity

Hello Fair Reader!

I always say that, but truth be told, I have no idea as to your fairness. You may be fair, you may be unfair, you may pay fares, you get it. It has come to my attention that I boldly declared my devotion to a month of creMAYtivity, in which I do something creMAYtive every day, but…I haven’t posted anything since Friday. So, thought I’d fill you in on some happenings! Who am I kidding, nobody is reading this! Come on nobody, let’s journey through my last five days of creMAYtivity! (is this slogan catching on yet? Hashtag it! #HashtagCreMAYtivity…is that how you hashtag something?)

Saturday!

Sometimes in order to be creMAYtive, you have to MAYliv life! And that’s what I did! Started the afternoon off with a trip to my local theatre, the Arclight! And, I had time to do one of my favorite things in life, go to the 2nd floor bar, grab a drink and look out over all of the people, all the while trying to guess what movie everyone was seeing.

 These people were all seeing The Sixth Sense…and it wasn’t even showing…they were ghosts!

Post people watching, I watched…Guardians of the Galaxy 2. It was out of this world. Get it? Right? Get it? Has anyone picked that low hanging fruit? Get it?

Then, it was off to…Universal Citywalk! HOLY MOLY! This place is…out of this world! Get it? No? Okay then. Listen, Universal Citywalk might be the most magical place in the world. Why? I don’t know, maybe…floating cars in restaurants!

Or, maybe boats in the middle of restaurants!

The point is, if you’re a restaurant, you can put anything in the middle of your establishment, regardless of size, at Universal Citywalk. DREAMS! Also, it’s incredibly weird, and everyone there is weird. One love.

Life lived 1!
Justin 0!
(Wait, that doesn’t make sense)
Justin -1!
(Stop rating me!)

Sunday!

Little bit boring. Worked on a script I’m working on. Here is all you get!

Oh man, what fine writing!

Life lived 2!
Justin – 2!
(How did I get to “-2” but my life is at 2?)

Monday!

Part of being creative for me, is…well…a lot of failing! I fail a ton. Too much, some would say, and Iiiii, am some! Anyway, I was trying to do a bit with my Instax camera where I took a photo of my camera taking a photo of itself, and I couldn’t make it work. Here is proof of my failure.

Life lived 3!
Justin -7!
(I get it, I failed, I feel ya!)
Justin – 6!
(Did my honesty just get me a +1???)
Justin – 8!
(I’ll shut up)

Tuesday!

I had an improv show at iO West. Doesn’t get more creMAYtive than long form improv, am I right?!?! Of course I am!
Life lived 4!
Justin – 4!
(What?!?! I am equal to my life being lived! Also, how weird is this bit? It doesn’t really make sense…who would rate this, why would I rate myself vs my life…I mean, it’s hilarious, but I don’t know)

Wednesday (TONIGHT!)!

I’m writing this! I also started outlining a potential new solo sketch show! Get ready world!

Justin’s life lived – 10!

I DID IT! So, even though I may not publish it online, there’s a ton of creMAYTivity happening right before your little eyeliddy’s.

Stay tuned for more creMAYtivity!

Nissan Gives Justin a Versa Note?

I’m basically a marketing genius. And with this genius comes a non stop flux of ideas. My recent idea? Selling myself out (in a very good way), by asking Nissan to provide me with a Versa Note to drive around Los Angeles in my day to day adventures, so as to increase brand awareness around the vehicle. Great idea right? You probably don’t even know what a Versa Note is you silly reader. Regardless, I sent them some a “note.” Get it?! Let’s see if they wise up and provide me with one!

Nissan Gives Justin a Versa Note
Nissan Gives Justin a Versa Note

I’m A Plump Dwarf

Sometimes you have to let go, and let e-mail take control of your life.

And in this case either
A) I think my agent has me incorrectly listed.
OR
B) I’m a plump dwarf.

Imma go with B!

ALSO, to prove my worth…that’s an e-mail from the President asking ME for help. Worry not nation, I’m here with helping plump dwarf hands.

I'm a Plump Dwarf

Invasive Surgery vs. Evasive Surgery Joke Ideas

I’m at it again! Coming up with too many bad ideas for one premise that I can’t figure out. Welp, lucky for you that rather than be a sane person who deletes these awful things, I’m releasing it into the world! Here’s a list of joke ideas I was trying to come up with for the premise: Invasive Surgery vs. Evasive Surgery.

Evasive Surgery vs. Invasive Surgery Jokes
Evasive Surgery vs. Invasive Surgery Jokes

Awful Salmonella Jokes by Justin J. Johnson

Listen, sometimes you try and try as hard as you might, to write various salmonella jokes. And you know what? Most times if you’re me, it doesn’t work out. Rather than be shamed by my lack of talent, I figured it’s probably best to just share it with the entire world. Enjoy!

Awful Salmonella Jokes by Justin J. Johnson
Awful Salmonella Jokes by Justin J. Johnson

My End of Year Review of Stuff You May Want To Enjoy But I’m Not Holding Your Feet To The Fire, You Do What You Want…2012

Listen, I’m cooler than most everyone. Cool people call themselves cool right? That’s a thing? Yes? YES. Well rest assured I’m cool, I eat kale! Yep, surrrrre do! With pine nuts sometimes, so that should be proof enough. And if you want more proof, sometimes I’ll put that shit in a smoothie. KALE SMOOTHIE! Yeah, I’m on another level, deal with it.

So given my coolness, just know that in the year 2012, I’ve seen good movies, and listened to rad music, done things, and been places. But I’m not going to validate my coolness (other than that kale pine nut business) by listing things. That said, as the Mayans foretold, it’s an obligation of writing stuff and putting it places, to list something at the end of the year. Cavemen did it (Top 10 Dinosaur Incidents That Chuck Got Out Of), Bible did it (Top 10 Bible-y Things in the Bible), and in the future they do it (Top 10 Ways to Escape Planet Volcano Lazers And Will.I.Am Musical Sounds).

THUS…I will list one thing that is a double whammy. One of my favorite books I read, accompanied by one of my favorite albums I listened to whilst I read said book. I MULTI-TASK!

The book you ask? The Antidote by Oliver Burkeman. Pure gold. Insightful, humorous, delicious (I ate the book after I read it…I have a “thing”)

The Antidote by Oliver Burkeman
The Antidote by Oliver Burkeman

The album you gasp? Fabrizio Paterlini’s “Autumn Stories” Emotional, beautiful, probably delicious (I can’t eat MP3’s…yet)

Autumn Stories by Fabrizio Paterlini
Autumn Stories by Fabrizio Paterlini

What did you expect? The Hunger Games and Ke$ha? Even typing that dollar sign in the name made me feel rotten. Ugh. So there you have it, a book and an album that just blew your mind out of your mind holder. Go buy both, and enjoy them together. You may even learn something! What was that? You learned something from the Ke$sh alb…do I have to type that dollar sign? Ke$…ahhhh, I do! My hands are being controlled by Ke$ha…ahhhhhhhHhhhHhhhh!!!!! NO! NO, KE$HA I WON’T LET THIS HAPPEN! STOP IT!!! Ke$ha is the best! WAIIIITTT, I DIDN’T TYPE THAT! What, did you get a voodoo doll? KE$HAS ALBUM iZ NUmBA 1…NO! KE$SHA STOP! I don’t want to type in your abbreviated dumb text type idiot future language…I…am fighting…so…hard…Your music…is AWFUL…and you look like a weird valley girl robot….AHHHH!!!

I beat Kesha! PHEW! You guys, lesson learned…don’t try to slander Kesha on the Internet. She will voodoo your fingers into typing positive things about her.

Goodbye 2012. Hello 2025! Ke$ha RULZ!!!

NOOOO!!!!! NOT AGAIN!!!

Mary Hatch, Will You Marry Me?

Mary Hatch, Will You Marry Me? By: Justin J. Johnson
Mary Hatch, Will You Marry Me? By: Justin J. Johnson

Dear Mary Hatch (or Bailey if you prefer…gross!),

Well, I just think you’re the bee’s knees, and to be honest, you’re with the wrong man! George Bailey is highly unstable, I’m pretty sure he’s an alcoholic, and honestly, he’s just a flat out moody judy! I mean, don’t you want to be with a man who will treat you like a queen? Well, don’t ya?!

For instance, let’s say you want an ice cream. Well, that’s exactly what I’m going to get you. I’m not going to force coconuts on you because I read some periodical. Sure, I’ll share my tastes with you, but by no means and I’m going to just put it on your ice cream without you knowing. And, guess what? After I give you that ice cream, I’m going to sit with you and share some lovely conversation. I’m not going to go running around town yelling at old bank men, carrying pill bottles like some whack job!

And let’s say we just jumped into a pool after a lovely dance? Well I’m going to be a full on gentleman, and treat you like a lady. Respect you, see? And perhaps when the moment is right, I’ll kiss you as only a gentleman would. It’ll be a perfect moment, and we’ll sing Buffalo Gal all night long and not throw rocks through windows of our future houses. And if I accidentally step on your robe and you jump into the hydrangeas? Well, I’ll give you your robe right back. I’m not going to be some weird pervert and keep it from you while I circle the hydrangeas and talk to myself like a whackjob! And if my dad has a stroke…well I’m not going to leave you alone. You could get injured by some hooligan! I’ll walk you home then tend to my dying father.

And Mary Hatch, when you come back from school and my mother says you’re asking about me, well I’m coming straight to your house! I’m not going to gallivant around town with the likes of Violet Bick. GROSS! She’s a loose goose. I’ll come straight over, and when you open the door and the record is playing and I see the lovely painting you’ve done, I’ll stop right there and embrace you and kiss you. And I’ll really kiss you, I won’t just smear my cheek all over yours and smother you like George Bailey would. Gross! What an idiot!

When we get married Mary, well, I’ll tell you this much, if there is a run on the bank, we’ll just run the other way to our honeymoon! Because, I would entrust a bank to professionals that don’t keep monkeys in cages at their home (looking at you Billy!). And if we had to tend to the bank, I would do it in a much more expedited manner, it wouldn’t take all day! And if you volunteered our honeymoon money, I wouldn’t just grab it from you and go to the counter. I’d grab it from you, kiss you, tell you that you mean the world to me, and then go to the counter. All the while I would be checking on you, while helping the people of Bedford Falls, I wouldn’t let you out of my site!

And let’s say that night goes awry and you plan a gorgeous evening in our future, but currently disgusting home. I’m not going to raise my eyebrows like some dope at every step I take. NO! I’m going to go to you, embrace you, and once again NOT kiss you like I’m smothering you with my cheek! I would kiss you, not suffocate you.

And I’ll love each and every one of our kids Mary, because they’re a part of you, and I’ll leave work at work! I won’t slam doors, and I could care less if the stairs fall apart. I’ll help you build that house Mary, I won’t just leave you to do it all.

And let’s say Uncle Billy (the aforementioned LOON who keeps monkeys in cages, and trains squirrels to hug him) loses money for the bank. Well, I’m not going to go haywire, yell at our children’s teacher, and kick over my mock bridge I took hours to build. I’m going to come home to my family and talk it out and get your opinion because you matter to me. If Billy goes to jail, good riddance, need I remind you he TRAINED A SQUIRREL TO HUG HIM?!

And let’s say I’m visited by my guardian angel. Well, I’ll believe him and not treat him like garbage! And when he says I’m in an alternate reality that I requested, I’ll once again believe him and “go with it,” all the while trying to help him get his wings. Because I’m that type of guy…the type of guy who gets guardian angels their wings. But you know what? I would never be in that situation, because I wouldn’t ask for an alternate reality, I would love you too much.

I think what I’m trying to say is, George Bailey is a big fat loose cannon jerk. You deserve better Mary! You’re too supportive and beautiful and you look too cute in those weird little hats. So ditch the loon, and be mine. I think I saw a house in the valley you would love. No windows or doors, and half burned down. We can do this. I love you.

Sincerely,

Justin J. Johnson

PS: Can we agree that George’s brother is a selfish jerk?
PPS: Why does Sam keep doing that He-Haw crap? Grow up, am I right? If you wanna be a donkey, go hang out at Uncle Billy’s! He’s got a weird farm you would fit in perfectly at.
PPPS: I love you.

Green M&M, Blue M&M Dating: Actress, Guitarist Kiss At LAX

I, like most people, hate the world of celebrity gossip. In fact, I wish our society was more obsessed with other ridiculous things like mermaids, or monsters, or let’s say those weird, real life M&M’s. So, I’ve taken a recently published article that deals with celebrity gossip, and replaced it with real life M&M’s. Because, let’s face it…that’s more interesting, isn’t it?
———

Wedding Bells for Blue M&M and Green M&M?
Wedding Bells for Blue M&M and Green M&M?

Green M&M is no longer single. Us Weekly reports that the “Mars Brand” treat is dating Blue M&M, a Mars Brand treat himself who also happens to be the ex-boyfriend of sassy Ms. Brown M&M (they split in 2011).

Green M&M and Blue M&M both 43, were photographed kissing while trying to depart from LAX airport Wednesday. The new couple also held hands as they strolled through the airport wearing boots and shoes. And while the romance is new, their friendship is not. “They went to college together,” a source told the magazine. “It’s going really well.”

Green M&M is no stranger to dating within Hollywood, of course. She previously dated Red M&M, Yellow M&M, Orange M&M (whom she married, then broke up with after only four months) and Bradley Cooper.

Here’s a link to the real article should you be so inclined to read: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/12/13/renee-zellweger-doyle-bramhall-ii-dating-actress-guitarist_n_2292138.html?utm_hp_ref=celebrity