Over the past few years, I have gotten VERY into professional wrestling. And why wouldn’t I?! It’s the best. And I’ve gotten so into it, and such a talented storyteller who truly understands the characters on TV, that I can, and will, accurately predict the outcome of Wrestlemania 41!
Liv Morgan & Raquel Rodriguez vs. Bayley & Lyra Valkyria – WWE Women’s Tag Team Title Match
WINNER: Lyra’s blue hair.
If you’ve been watching wrestling lately, you’d be hard pressed to say anyone has been having better matches in the WWE than these four. Truly, look at Bayley v. Lyra, look at the recent Bayley v. Liv, or any Liv match really. They’re having better matches than everyone on the card. But the winner. Lyra’s hair color. It’s just a nice shade of blue and dare we even say it sorta looks natural. We love it. Also, Liv and Raquel win, and Bayley becomes a heel, duh.
World Tag Team Champions The War Raiders vs. The New Day
WINNER: Handstands into the ropes.
This has a name, and I can’t remember it right now, but you know The War Raiders are gonna do one, and I betcha The New Day might also do one. CONSOLATION PRIZE apocalyptic entrances! This is a true Max Max match of entrances, and the future is WAR (or unicorns…unicWARns! The future is UnisWARns!).
Damian Priest vs. Drew McIntyre – Sin City Street Fight
WINNER: Jessica Alba
Did you forget the film Sin City?!? Jessica Alba rules! You probably only know her from the Honest brand, but I’ll tell ya this, you should check out Sin City! Also, if you think this match isn’t connected to the film, dare I remind you of Drew McIntyre’s eye patch! Basically pulled from the film. This could definitely be a match that steals the show. Especially if one of them gets thrown into a slot machine and pinned as it hits a jackpot.
Jade Cargill vs. Naomi
WINNER: Cocaine.
How are we supposed to be in Las Vegas and watch Jade’s entrance, and not imagine it’s just a bunch of degenerate gambler’s coke? Also, similar to Priest and McIntyre…also…just realized, Jade was thrown into a car by Naomi and broke the windshield! Guessing the WWE saw the economy’s uncertainty and HEAVILY invested in windshields only to realize…nobody needs them, and now they’re breaking them all over the place! In any case, on theme, hoping this one ends with Naomi getting thrown into a windshield of a bachelorette party bus. Bonus points if she’s wearing her caution tape outfit and one of the bachelorettes drunkenly looks over and says, “oh I think this car is closed” or something like that.
Rey Mysterio vs. El Grande Americano
WINNER: Public health safety…because of the maskssssss.
Get it?! Also, WWE, where is the coffee cup merch? You think the world doesn’t want a coffee cup that says El Grande Americano with fringe all over it?! POST IT UP! This should be another great match, and looking forward to Rey Mysterio’s new finisher, “Thanks a Latte.”
United States Champion LA Knight vs. Jacob Fatu
WINNER: the new catchphrase, YEAHdadamean?!
Fatu pins Knight, stands over his pinned corpse and let’s it rip! CUE WWE MERCH…I guess I’m just printing money for you guys at this point!
Intercontinental Champion Bron Breakker vs. Penta vs. Finn Bálor vs. Dominik Mysterio
WINNER: Spit.
Doesn’t it feel like everyone in this match, with the exception of Penta, has too much saliva? Bron Breakker flexing while foam comes out of his mouth. Finn Balor, doing his gun fingers while trying to make the noise and spit coming out. Dominik Mysterio chewing gum unnecessarily. Sorry clean up crew, the mat is basically a baseball field after this one.
AJ Styles vs. Logan Paul
WINNER: Kicks.
There’s gonna be so many kicks in the match, you’re gonna think you’re at a rockettes concert. Another sure fire show stealer sponsored by Nissan…Kicks!
WWE Women’s Champion Tiffany Stratton vs. Charlotte Flair
WINNER: Where to start…this feud being over?
Awkward mic segments? Missed backflips? It’s a true, never meet your heroes, oil and water don’t mix, be careful what you wish for situation. Maybe that’s the winner. Idioms? Sayings? Whatever you call all the things I just said, that wins!
World Heavyweight Champion Gunther vs. Jey Uso
WINNER: Yeet.
This one’s gonna have a YEET, and there will be YEET, followed by YEET, with some additional YEET. Hoping at the very least, Gunther gets in some chops whilst saying…you guessed it, YEET.
Women’s World Champion IYO SKY vs. Bianca Belair vs. Rhea Ripley
WINNER: Those IYO SKY screams and head bobbles.
And honestly, WWE, ya can’t upload these to the store, but we should all do them all the time. Boss asks you do work on a project? CUE: IYO SKY scream and head bobble. Chipotle says guac is extra? IYO SKY scream and head bobble. Starbucks says your name when your order is ready. IYO SKY scream and head bobble. Look…maybe it doesn’t work in every scenario, but MOST!
Roman Reigns vs. CM Punk vs. Seth Rollins – Triple Threat Match
WINNER: Paul Heyman.
He’s been in the middle of this all, bullied by all, but about half way through the match, he disappears. Then, walking down the aisle, what do you see? Paul Heyman, dressed in a yellow jumpsuit, Kill Bill style. He decimates everyone, grabs the mic, says, “thank you Tribal Chief,” grabs a jet pack and flies out of the stadium. Orrrr…Seth probably wins.
Undisputed WWE Champion Cody Rhodes vs. John Cena
WINNER: Ricky Stanicky with a Spinner Belt! Say that five times fast! Much has been made of Cena’s heel turn, but NOBODY is expecting Stanicky to turn heel. The last time is now…for Stanicky. He helps Cena win only to challenge him for the belt at Backlash. The story writes itself.
WHAT.
A.
WRESTLEMANIA!
