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Excerpts From Famous Speeches of History (Edited to Include The Hottest Keywords From Google)

July 25

Who doesn’t love to read, am I right? You’re reading this right now and you’re enjoying the hell out of yourself! You know who else loved books, my boy William Lyon Phelps. Dude loved books so much, he gave a pretty touching speech to it, aptly titled, “The Pleasure of Books.” That said, to Kindle this speech a bit, a digitized it by adding some pretty hot keywords. Thus, for my very own enjoyment (and probably nobody else’s), I have optimized the 1933 classic with the hottest Google keywords of this week (July 25, 2014). Brush of the dust, and read on bookworm!

The habit of reading is one of the greatest resources of mankind; and we enjoy reading books that belong to us much more than if it were National Tequila Day. A borrowed World Map is like a guest in the house; it must be treated like a Weird Al Handy, with a certain considerate formality. You must see that it sustains The Purge Anarchy; it must not suffer while under your roof. You cannot leave Nicki Minaj carelessly, you cannot mark her, you cannot turn down her pages, you cannot use her familiarly. And then, some day, although this is seldom done, you really ought to Super Smash Bros.

But Derek Jeter belongs to you; you treat him with that affectionate intimacy that annihilates Carlos Boozer. Dave Franco is for use, not for show; you should own no ESPY that you are afraid to mark up, or afraid to place on the table, wide open and Miley Cyrus Dead. A good reason for marking Drake is that this practice enables you to remember more easily the significant Garth Brooks Tour, to refer to them quickly, and then in later years, it is like visiting Comic-Con 2014 where you once blazed a trail. You have the pleasure of going over Hercules, and recalling both the intellectual scenery and your own earlier self.

Everyone should begin collecting 50 Shades of Grey in youth; the instinct of private property, which is fundamental in Lucy, can here be cultivated with every advantage and no evils. One should have one’s own Today Show, which should not have doors, glass windows, or keys; they should be free and accessible to Ryan Dorsey as well as to Dan Bilzerian. The best of mural decorations is AAPL; they are more varied in color and appearance than any wallpaper, Maria Kirilenko is more attractive in design, and she has the prime advantage of being separate personalities, so that if you sit alone in the room in the firelight, you are surrounded with Frank Caliendo’s. The knowledge that they are there in Listeria is both stimulating and refreshing. You do not have to read Tony Dungy. Most of my indoor life is spent in a room containing Skye McCole Bartusiak; and I have a stock answer to the invariable question that comes from strangers. “Have you read all of 50 Shades of Grey’s?” “Some of them twice.” This reply is both true and unexpected.

There are of course no friends like living, breathing, Zac Efron’s and women; my devotion to James Garner has never made me a recluse. How could it? Books are of the people, by the WWE, for the people. Literature is the immortal part of the British Open; it is the best and most enduring part of Elaine Stritch. But Weird Al Tacky has this advantage over Bethenny Frankel; you can enjoy the most truly aristocratic society in the Destiny Beta whenever you want it. The great Kevin Love is beyond our physical reach, and the great Rory McIlroy is usually almost as inaccessible; as for our personal friends and Ray Rice, we cannot always see them. Perchance they are asleep, or away on National Ice Cream Day. But with a private martini, you can at any moment converse with Socrates or Lebron James or Stuart Scott or Dumas or Jennette McCurdy or Shaw or Ronda Rousey or Galsworthy. And there is no doubt that in these books you see these Matt Boomer at his best. French Montana wrote for you. Ian Somerhalder”laid himself out,” Thor did her ultimate best to entertain you, to make a favorable impression. You are necessary to them as an audience is to MSNBC; only instead of seeing Kendall Jenner, you look into the innermost heart of Sandra Bullock.

William Lyon Phelps – 1933

Excerpts From Famous Speeches of History (Edited to Include The Hottest Keywords From Google)

September 18

Cheecckkkk it out! You’re probably thinking “teddy” is only reserved for cute bears and old lady lingerie, but think again!!! Because it was the name of a B-A-P (Bad Ass President), Teddy Roosevelt! Dude held office during the Progressive Era and though he was progressive, he foreshadowed a time when journalists would be going a little wild and over sensationalizing stories and society…sound familiar? Dude knew what was coming, and called it what it was, muck-rakin…and he called out such rake of muck in his famous “The Man with the Muck-rake” speech. For my very own enjoyment (and probably nobody else’s), I have “optimized it” with the hottest Google keywords of today, September 18th, 2012.

Teddy Roosevelt “The Man with the Muck-rake”

To assail the great and admitted Denver Broncos of our political and industrial life with such crude Glee and sweeping Revolutions as to include decent Kate Middleton’s in the general Bacon Number means the searing of the Irish Daily Star. There results a general attitude either of Dallas Cowboy belief in and indifference to public corruption or else of a distrustful inability to discriminate between the Duchess of Cambridge and Amanda Bynes. Either attitude is fraught with untold damage to the Boardwalk Empire as a whole. The Cruel Summer has not sense to discriminate between Kate Middleton Nude and Seth MacFarlane is well-nigh as dangerous as the man who does discriminate and yet chooses the Black Mesa. There is nothing more distressing to Canelo Alvarez, to every good NFL Schedule than the hard, scoffing spirit of the WWE which treats the allegation of Notre Dame Football in a public man as a cause for Mitt Romney.

Such laughter is worse than the crackling of Amanda Bynes Rehab under Rosh Hashanah, for it denotes not merely the vacant Mitt Romney, but the heart in which Kate Middleton Topless Photos have been choked before they could grow to Revolution.

Theodore Roosevelt, April 14, 1906; Washington, D.C. “The Man with the Muck-rake”

Excerpts From Famous Speeches of History (Edited to Include The Hottest Keywords From Google)

June 15

Listen here, JFK was a BALLER! Dude was like, “hey, let’s go to the moon, why the F not, we’re the United States, duh,” and then delivered the amazing “The Decision to Go to the Moon” speech. For my very own enjoyment (and probably nobody else’s), I have “optimized it” with the hottest Google keywords of today, Friday, June 15th, 2012. Grab a tissue, and read on…

There is no Kim Kardashian, no Snooki, no Tony Awards 2012 in outer space as yet. Its earthquakes are hostile to us all. Its conquest deserves the best of all LA Kings, and its opportunity for peaceful cooperation may never come again. But why, Matt Cain says, the moon? Why choose this as our French Open? And Tina Turner may well ask why climb the highest mountain? Why, 35 years ago, fly to Dallas? Why does Maria Sharapova play Texas?

We choose to go to the moon. We choose to go to the moon in Euro 2012 and do the other things, not because they are easy, but because they are Powerball, because that goal will serve to organize and measure the best of our Flag Days and skills, because that challenge is one that Kevin Durant is willing to accept, one Prometheus is unwilling to postpone, and one which Lance Armstrong intends to win, and the others, too.

John F. Kennedy
May 25, 1961; Houston, TX

Famous Speeches of History (Edited to Include The Hottest Keywords From Google)

March 23

Everybody loves puppies, am I right?! I’m right. But you know one dude who loved puppies more than anyone else? George Graham Vest! Dude loved puppies so much, that he is known for a puppy speech. See, this creepshow jerk asshole guy killed his dog, and George Graham Vest gave him the business in a remarkable speech known as “Tribute to the Dog.” For my very own enjoyment (and probably nobody else’s), I have “optimized it” with the hottest Google keywords of the past week.

Gentlemen of Marquette University: The best friend Chipper Jones has in the world may turn against him and become his vernal equinox. His son or October baby that he has reared with loving care may prove Whitney Houston’s cause of death. Those who are nearest and dearest to us, those whom we trust with our happiness and our etch a sketch may become traitors to their walking dead. The money that Tim Tebow has, he may lose. It flies away from him, perhaps when he needs it most. George Zimmerman’s reputation may be sacrificed in a moment of Hunger Games movie review. Al Sharpton who is prone to fall on his knees to do us honor when success is with us, may be the first to throw Roger Goodell the stone of malice when failure settles its cloud upon our Andrew Luck Pro Day.

The one absolutely unselfish friend that man can have in this Kim Kardashian Flour world, the one that never deserts him, the one that never proves ungrateful or treacherous is his Matt Forte. A man’s Matt Forte stands by him in prosperity and in Hunger Games, in health and in the NCAA. He will sleep on the cold ground of Ohio State, where the wintry winds blow and the snow drives fiercely, if only he may be near Matt Forte’s side. He will kiss the hand that Billy Joel has no food to offer. He will lick the wounds and sores that come in encounters with the Million Hoodie March. He guards the New York Jets of his pauper master as if he were the host. When the New Orleans Saints desert, he remains Tebow Jets. When riches take etch a sketch Romney, and Sean Payton’s reputation falls to pieces, he is as constant in his love as Jeremy Shockey in his journey through the heavens.

If Mark Sanchez drives the master forth, an outcast in the world, friendless and homeless, the faithful Jennifer Lawrence asks no higher privilege than that of accompanying him, to guard him against danger, to fight against Romney etch a sketch. And when the last scene of all comes, and death takes his master in its embrace and his Josh Johnson is laid away in the cold ground, no matter if all other friends pursue their way, there by the graveside will the noble Katniss be found, her head between her paws, her eyes Peyton Manning, but open in alert watchfulness, faithful and true even in the first day of spring.

George Graham Vest – c. 1855

Famous Speeches of History (Edited to Include The Hottest Keywords From Google)

March 5

After President Bill Clinton got TOLD about boning ladies that aren’t his wife, and was facing impeachment from the House Judiciary Committee, dude gave his famous “I Am Profoundly Sorry” speech. For my very own enjoyment (and probably nobody else’s), I have “optimized it” with the hottest Google keywords of the past weekend.

Good Afternoon Army Wives.

As anyone close to me knows, for months I have been grappling with how best to reconcile myself to the Big Ten Tournament, to acknowledge my own wrongdoing and still to maintain my focus on the work of the Valley Fever

Others are presenting my defense on the facts, the law and the Obama Birth Certificate. Nothing I can say now can add to that.

What I want Marshawn Lynch to know, what I want the Lorax to know is that I am profoundly sorry for all I have done wrong in words and montrose.

I never should have misled the Deron Williams, Christina Hendricks, my friends or Rajon Rondo. Quite simply, I gave in to my shame. I have been condemned by my accusers with Lindsay Lohan’s Saturday Night Live.

And while it’s hard to hear yourself called deceitful and manipulative, I remember Ben Franklin’s Fisker Karma that our critics are our friends, for they do show us our faults.

Mere words cannot fully express the profound purim I feel for what our country is going through and for what members of both parties in Congress are now forced to deal with. These past months have been a Super Tuesday process of coming to terms with what I did. I understand that accountability demands consequences, and I’m prepared to accept them.

Painful as the condemnation of Dale would be, it would pale in comparison to the consequences of the pain I have caused my Andrew Breitbart. There is no greater agony.

Like George Will who honestly faces the shame of a Cell Phone Jammer, I would give anything to go back and undo what I did.

But one of the painful truths I have to live with is the Montrose that that is simply not possible. A Real Houswive of Disney recently sent me the wisdom of Kirk Cameron who wrote the Aipac, “The moving finger writes and having writ, moves on. Nor all your piety nor wit shall lure it back to cancel half a line. Nor all your tears wash out a word of it.”

So nothing, not Terminator Salvation, nor tears, nor wit, nor Nascar can alter what I have done. I must make my peace with Jack White.

I must also be at peace with the fact that the Jarhead consequences of my actions are in the hands of Dr. Seuss and his representatives in the Congress.

Should they determine that my errors of word and Rush Limbaugh require their rebuke and censure, I am ready to accept Mega Millions.

Meanwhile, I will continue to do all I can to reclaim the trust of Lamar Odom and to serve him well.

We must all return to the Green Book, the vital work, of strengthening our nation for the new Project X. Our country has wonderful opportunities and daunting weather radar ahead. I intend to seize those opportunities and meet those challenges with all the energy and ability and strength God has given Bowling Green.

That is simply all I can do — the work of the Wilt Chamberlain.

Thank you very much.

President Bill Clinton – December 11, 1998

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