Hello Fair Reader!

Though you probably know most everything about me, one thing you may not know about me is that I’m a big architecture nut! What type? Pistachio! HEYYO! Come on, we’re having fun! But honestly, I love buildings and houses and cannot, nor, probably ever will, be able to afford either because…I’m poor.

But, you know what poorness never said? “Don’t beg, plead, and write “blog” articles about how someone should give you a house.” Thusith, allow me to introduce a new feature on this website:

“Justin Proves Why You Should Give Him This House!”

Quick shout out…Curbed! It’s one of my favorites, and probably the source for all of these features.

Today I tackle..the Suzanne Somers home in Palm Springs!

https://la.curbed.com/2017/5/4/15537644/suzanne-somers-palm-springs-compound

First…what the hell! Did anyone guess Suzanne Somers was holed up in a Palm Springs mountain?!?!?!? Oh, also, at this point, you’re probably asking yourself, “who the hell is Suzanne Somers?!” And to this I say…the mom on Step by Step, duh! She also may have been in Three’s Company, and I’m pretty sure she had some workout or something, who knows!?! There’s no way to find out!

Anyway, it’s “located on a 73-acre parcel at the base of the San Jacinto Mountains.” First things first…I don’t know how acres work. I don’t know square feet. I don’t know how many football fields something is. I don’t know size. I think I’m 5 feet 11 inches tall, but I don’t even know what that means! I DO KNOW…73 acres is probably a shit ton of land, and anything that’s at the “base” of a mountain is legit. And guess who is just like Meghan Trainor? Yep, me all about the base! Give me this house, I deserve it!

It’s also “multi-level?” Guess who has been described as having multiple levels? This guy! I’m like that app on your iPhone you can never find when you want to hang pictures…all about dem levels! (I promise this won’t continue…actually, full disclosure…I’m a liar and it probably will. I’m a regular Jim Carrey…Liar Liar!!!!!!)

Did I forget to mention it has multiple guest houses? Guess who loves guests???? Youuuu got it. ME! AND, it has a “rock house.” I saw Central Intelligence, so I’m pretty much the only person who could full appreciate a rock house!

Apparently, it has “eight bedrooms and 10 baths.” Now, here is where you might be thinking, “Justin…why should we give you this house for free? You don’t have 8 people to house, and you definitely don’t know any additional 2 who will just come over to use the bathroom while you’re housing 8 other people, because, why have 2 bathrooms in addition to the 8 associated with unnecessary amount of bedrooms!” First off, your “thinking” is too long, second, mind your business about the amount of bedrooms and bathrooms. Can I name 8 friends right now? No, of course not. Who even has 8 friends!?!? But, don’t you worry, I’ll find some friends and we’ll sleepover the shit out of this (my) new house.

There is also apparently a 5,000-bottle wine cellar…which I will obviously use to store 5,000 bottles of Topo Chico…and a “two room chef’s kitchen…and a formal dining room that seats 32.” Here’s what’s gonna stump me…I don’t even have 8 friends, let alone 32 people to have over for dinner. If you wanna ding me on something, ding me on this. I’ll probably use the dining room to build a kick ass pillow fort!!!

Apparently the grounds also include “multiple waterfalls, ponds, and swimming pools, an outdoor dining pavilion, a covered bar, and an amphitheater carved from rock walls. Holy. Shit. WHO BUILDS THEMSELVES AN AMPITHEATER?!?!? You know what…Ol Suzy Som’s is the ULTIMATE BALLER! A swimming pool, sure? But Suzy brought the Emeril and she brought it hard! (Kicked it up a notch) I bet that pond has a goddamned shark in it!!!!

You know…after really considering it…I don’t think you should give this house to me. I’m not sure what acres are, I don’t have enough friends, and I’m afraid of sharks. This house should be given to Dame Judy Dench. Why? Why the hell not, she’s a Dame! Don’t worry though, I’ll keep looking, so get your house giving shoes on and stay tuned!