Everybody loves puppies, am I right?! I’m right. But you know one dude who loved puppies more than anyone else? George Graham Vest! Dude loved puppies so much, that he is known for a puppy speech. See, this creepshow jerk asshole guy killed his dog, and George Graham Vest gave him the business in a remarkable speech known as “Tribute to the Dog.” For my very own enjoyment (and probably nobody else’s), I have “optimized it” with the hottest Google keywords of the past week.

Gentlemen of Marquette University: The best friend Chipper Jones has in the world may turn against him and become his vernal equinox. His son or October baby that he has reared with loving care may prove Whitney Houston’s cause of death. Those who are nearest and dearest to us, those whom we trust with our happiness and our etch a sketch may become traitors to their walking dead. The money that Tim Tebow has, he may lose. It flies away from him, perhaps when he needs it most. George Zimmerman’s reputation may be sacrificed in a moment of Hunger Games movie review. Al Sharpton who is prone to fall on his knees to do us honor when success is with us, may be the first to throw Roger Goodell the stone of malice when failure settles its cloud upon our Andrew Luck Pro Day.

The one absolutely unselfish friend that man can have in this Kim Kardashian Flour world, the one that never deserts him, the one that never proves ungrateful or treacherous is his Matt Forte. A man’s Matt Forte stands by him in prosperity and in Hunger Games, in health and in the NCAA. He will sleep on the cold ground of Ohio State, where the wintry winds blow and the snow drives fiercely, if only he may be near Matt Forte’s side. He will kiss the hand that Billy Joel has no food to offer. He will lick the wounds and sores that come in encounters with the Million Hoodie March. He guards the New York Jets of his pauper master as if he were the host. When the New Orleans Saints desert, he remains Tebow Jets. When riches take etch a sketch Romney, and Sean Payton’s reputation falls to pieces, he is as constant in his love as Jeremy Shockey in his journey through the heavens.

If Mark Sanchez drives the master forth, an outcast in the world, friendless and homeless, the faithful Jennifer Lawrence asks no higher privilege than that of accompanying him, to guard him against danger, to fight against Romney etch a sketch. And when the last scene of all comes, and death takes his master in its embrace and his Josh Johnson is laid away in the cold ground, no matter if all other friends pursue their way, there by the graveside will the noble Katniss be found, her head between her paws, her eyes Peyton Manning, but open in alert watchfulness, faithful and true even in the first day of spring.

George Graham Vest – c. 1855