Comedian Justin J. Johnson discusses what the spices of life are, why salt makes you stupid and what it is, mo money mo problems, and Jesus Christ driving a Mitsubishi Eclipse.
Jesus Christ Drives a Mitsubishi Eclipse
January 17
Baby Giraffe’s Love TheJustinJohnsonShow.com/LIVE! at UCB!
January 17
Come on out to UCB on Monday, January 21st at 5:30 PM! http://losangeles.ucbtheatre.com/shows/view/1693
Why Isn’t There a Splash Up Shield for Male Stand-up Urination on Regular Toilets?
January 16
If you haven’t been keeping tabs on all the fun/exciting/amazing things I’m doing, one of them is getting down to business. The business of getting weirdos from Yahoo! Answers to answer my life’s questions! This time I hit them with a hard one! Can they answer? Will they answer? Will you answer? Will I get an answer? Why do I say “answer” so much?
In any case, something about urinals has been bothering me. As you all know, I’m a clean gentleman! And as a clean gentleman, I hate it when stupid urinals try to make me look otherwise! You see, there’s a splash factor that comes into males using normal toilets with the seat up, and I’m determined to find out why we haven’t corrected that as a society. So, to find out, I took to the most reliable source of whackjobs, Yahoo! Answers.
Click on this link to see the actual question and hopefully answer (said it again!): http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;_ylt=Alh7fdkHGSQiBFxujEX1aSDsy6IX;_ylv=3?qid=20130115135254AA0lreR
If you don’t like links, or just don’t want to click on things, here’s what I asked:
Why Isn’t There a Splash Up Shield for Male Stand-up Urination on Regular Toilets?
Honestly, we’ve come to far as a race, and are too evolved for this to keep happening. When males urinate, there is a certain formula in which the height of the male, plus the speed of the urine, plus the shape of a toilet bowel that makes it impossible to not have some water/urine splash up on the bowl or even on the floor. Why hasn’t a shield or something of the like been invented?!?! OR has something been invented that I’m not aware of?
Jew Barrymore Live at iO West – 10:30 PM
January 14
Hey There! For those of you who are anxiously awaiting this evening’s LobsterDust show, I have some bad news. It’s not happening! Adam Karell is training for the Olympics, and won’t be able to attend. GOOD NEWS THOUGH! For the first time in over a year, Alexandra Fox will be sharing the stage with me in our two person show, Jew Barrymore! Come on out! It’s totally free and will definitely be a good show!
Awful Salmonella Jokes by Justin J. Johnson
January 11
Listen, sometimes you try and try as hard as you might, to write various salmonella jokes. And you know what? Most times if you’re me, it doesn’t work out. Rather than be shamed by my lack of talent, I figured it’s probably best to just share it with the entire world. Enjoy!
TheJustinJohnsonShow.com/LIVE! at UCB on January 21st at 5:30 PM
January 10
Hey There! Reserve your seats now for TheJustinJohnsonShow.com/LIVE! at UCB on January 21st at 5:30 PM. Make your reservations now!
http://losangeles.ucbtheatre.com/shows/view/1693
Mr. Olsen’s “A Teacher’s Audio Diary” Entry 1
January 4
Mr. Olsen’s “A Teacher’s Audio Diary.” Principal Smith has instructed Mr. Olsen to keep an audio diary after many encounters with a student, Leif Ericson. Apparently Leif has been playing pranks on Mr. Olsen.
*Warning – Mr. Olsen uses foul language. He’s going through a rough time, so give him a break.
What’s the Protocol on How Your Ears React To Someone Talking About You?
January 4
It may be a new year, but that doesn’t mean I’m going to stop asking absurd questions to the absurd world that is Yahoo! Answers! This time I ask “What’s the protocol on how your ears react to someone talking about you?” Just to refresh you on the backstory of why I’ve entered and dark and weird world of Y!A, here you go…
I love Yahoo! Answers. I mean, let’s face it, it’s probably the only good thing that’s come out of the creation of the Internet.
Don’t believe me? Well get this, you ask a question, and then whackjobs answer it! THERE IS NOTHING BETTER! Thus, given my obsession, I finally decided to create an account to get to the bottom of some things that have been itching my brain.
Here’s the link and the copy, feel free to answer away!
What’s the protocol on how your ears react to someone talking about you?
Is it that they’re red? Or, warm? Or, ringing? Perhaps it’s red if they’re talking negatively, warm if they’re talking fondly, and ringing if they’re yelling? Wait, no…warm if they’re just like, “meh, he/she is alright at air hockey” but when they’re like, “he/she is AMAZING at air hockey,” that’s when they’re ringing. Sorta like red light, yellow light, green light. The green light is the ringing, and the red light is the red.
http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20130103141253AA7mrg0
My End of Year Review of Stuff You May Want To Enjoy But I’m Not Holding Your Feet To The Fire, You Do What You Want…2012
December 28
Listen, I’m cooler than most everyone. Cool people call themselves cool right? That’s a thing? Yes? YES. Well rest assured I’m cool, I eat kale! Yep, surrrrre do! With pine nuts sometimes, so that should be proof enough. And if you want more proof, sometimes I’ll put that shit in a smoothie. KALE SMOOTHIE! Yeah, I’m on another level, deal with it.
So given my coolness, just know that in the year 2012, I’ve seen good movies, and listened to rad music, done things, and been places. But I’m not going to validate my coolness (other than that kale pine nut business) by listing things. That said, as the Mayans foretold, it’s an obligation of writing stuff and putting it places, to list something at the end of the year. Cavemen did it (Top 10 Dinosaur Incidents That Chuck Got Out Of), Bible did it (Top 10 Bible-y Things in the Bible), and in the future they do it (Top 10 Ways to Escape Planet Volcano Lazers And Will.I.Am Musical Sounds).
THUS…I will list one thing that is a double whammy. One of my favorite books I read, accompanied by one of my favorite albums I listened to whilst I read said book. I MULTI-TASK!
The book you ask? The Antidote by Oliver Burkeman. Pure gold. Insightful, humorous, delicious (I ate the book after I read it…I have a “thing”)
The album you gasp? Fabrizio Paterlini’s “Autumn Stories” Emotional, beautiful, probably delicious (I can’t eat MP3’s…yet)
What did you expect? The Hunger Games and Ke$ha? Even typing that dollar sign in the name made me feel rotten. Ugh. So there you have it, a book and an album that just blew your mind out of your mind holder. Go buy both, and enjoy them together. You may even learn something! What was that? You learned something from the Ke$sh alb…do I have to type that dollar sign? Ke$…ahhhh, I do! My hands are being controlled by Ke$ha…ahhhhhhhHhhhHhhhh!!!!! NO! NO, KE$HA I WON’T LET THIS HAPPEN! STOP IT!!! Ke$ha is the best! WAIIIITTT, I DIDN’T TYPE THAT! What, did you get a voodoo doll? KE$HAS ALBUM iZ NUmBA 1…NO! KE$SHA STOP! I don’t want to type in your abbreviated dumb text type idiot future language…I…am fighting…so…hard…Your music…is AWFUL…and you look like a weird valley girl robot….AHHHH!!!
I beat Kesha! PHEW! You guys, lesson learned…don’t try to slander Kesha on the Internet. She will voodoo your fingers into typing positive things about her.
Goodbye 2012. Hello 2025! Ke$ha RULZ!!!
NOOOO!!!!! NOT AGAIN!!!
Spun Into a Wove of Gold
December 26