Groupon’s are great. They’re a great idea and a great way to save a buck or two while indulging in things you normally wouldn’t.

And, I love them.

And by love, I mean I share the same feeling for Groupon’s as I do any other arbitrary thing that I don’t care about all too much. The thing is, I never feel the need to pull the trigger on purchasing one. I’ve done it a few times, but for the most part I see them, imagine what it would be like to indulge in them, click delete, and move on with my radical way of living life.

That said, please indulge me as I journey through what my Groupon purchase would be like for the purchase of a $14 whale-watching cruise adult admission (a $30 value)!!!

Guess how many times I’ve seen Pinocchio. Go ahead, guess.

Honestly, I’ll wait. I’ve got all day. Guess!

7?! Why the hell would I watch Pinocchio 7 times?! You know what, honestly…maybe I have seen it 7 times, I’m not sure. I don’t walk around with a Pinochodometer that measures my steps and the amount of times I’ve seen Pinocchio. The point is, that whale in the movie freaks me out! AND, I don’t wanna get stuck in a whales mouth/stomach!!! It’s a way of living life. Don’t take rides from strangers and don’t get stuck in whale’s mouths! I mean, at first it seems exciting, but I’ve seen enough movies to know that if you get stuck in a whales mouth, your chances of adventure may be high, but so are your chances of death. Knowing this, I steer clear of whales, and more importantly, entering whales mouths! That said, I’m also a man of adventure. I own numerous hats that could be seen as adventurous, thus establishing I am an adventurous man of many hats.

And, furthermore, I’m not going to let my fear of getting trapped in a whales mouth keep me down. So, it should come as no surprise that when I saw a Whale-Watching Cruise Admission for Kid or Adult at Up to 53% OFF on Groupon, I jumped (in a very adventurous way) at the opportunity to purchase it and confront my fears. Whales, here I come.

First String Sportfishing in Central San Pedro promises, “whale-watching cruises that follow the migration route of the Gray Whale for two hours; you might also see dolphins and sea lions.” Holy fuck. Dolphins and sea lions too?! I’m like Oceania Jones over here! Thus, I grab my hat, a net (the Oceania version of a whip) and head on down to Central San Pedro (the place where dreams come true, and adventure is sought and destroyed!).

As I board the First String boat, my first thought is: weak name for a boat. I wanted something dangerous like, “Couldn’t Make First String, But To Hell With It We’re Setting Sail,” or “Mona Lisa Smile,” or “Death Becomes Us,” or “Frank.” You know, a real dangerous boat name. But, I’ll take what I can get, like most adventurers do. After all, I’m Oceania Jones!

The clientele is a little frightful of the journey. Mainly kids and women. It’s clear that should danger arise, I will have to save us all. And you know what? That’s how I like it. I make eye contact with a few, what seem to be models. One of whom introduces herself saying, “Hi, my name is Kate Upton.”

“Okay Kate,” I respond as I walk away smirking. What kind of weirdo introduces themselves with their full name. I mean, sure, you’re a pretty gal, but please don’t be a weirdo.

I check in with the Captain, give him a glance stating that should this boat be in trouble, worry not, for I can take over the wheel and as long as I’m around he’s not going down with the ship, cuz the ship ain’t-a-going down.

We set sail. Oh, it’s of note that this boat doesn’t have a sail, it’s like a fancy boat with tv screens in it and stuff, but dammit, if I’m on a boat and it’s travelling, it’s setting sail.

The ocean feels good on my face, like these droplets of water having been waiting their whole life to journey onto the rugged face of an adventurer. HOT DAMN! Sure enough, as promised, some dolphins start racing alongside the boat.

The kids and women come looking. I’m not as impressed as they are, but something about the look these dolphins give me says we’ll be best friends soon, and I’m probably going to save their Flipper lives! As I’m having this thought, we feel a little bump.

Oh shit. It’s happening. The boat comes to a stop. The Captain is freaked the fuck out as another bump occurs. Something is under us. Another bump, then another. The kids are freaking out, peeing their pants left and right. The models on the boat are losing their shit while trying to take care of the kids. Another bump. Somethings coming and guess what? I’m calm as shit, and that hat I’m wearing looks good. Out in the water, a huge wave begins, the calm before the storm…only this wave isn’t calm, and there isn’t a storm. It’s the current brought on by the huge ass whale that starts coming out of the water.

The kids scream. The dolphins scream. Kate Upton is screaming.

It’s getting closer and closer as its mouth is getting bigger and bigger. I know what comes next. This son of a bitch is gonna swallow us, and we’re all getting Pinoccho’d. Everybody huddles in the middle of the boat, Captain included, as I go towards the part of the boat that will get me nearest to this whale so I can flip it the bird. I know, not too gentlemanly, but c’mon, this whale is SWALLOWING US!

The lights are out. I make a witty comment, “apparently this whale didn’t pay his electric bill.” Nobody hears it because everybody is screaming. Get it together rookies. I don’t worry because everybody knows that eventually you reach the part of the whales mouth where the lighting is pretty good. Sure enough, we do and this seems like the perfect time to announce to everyone that I’m going to save their lives.

“Relax women, children, and the Captain, I’m going to save your lives,” I declare.

“If you do, I, Kate Upton, will make out with you forever,’ says weird Kate Upton. Ughghhgh! What’s with this Kate Upton lady! Yuck!

The kids eyes are getting larger as if I can see them making me their idol for the rest of their lives. I will shape the future leaders of the world by saving their lives from whale consumption. Okay, enough reminiscing about the future, time to save lives! I adjust my hat and jump in the water. HOLY SHIT! Those dolphins! I knew it! I’ve gotta save their lives too! But we’re gonna have to work together. I give the Dolphin a look of telepathic communication. His name is Rick. Weird name for a dolphin, but who am I to judge!

I jump on his back and we ride through the rough terrain of this dumb ass whales mouth. Uh oh, it’s doing that thing where the tide is rising and we’re about to go into its whale stomach or whatever. We can’t have this! And this moment…this exact moment is when I realize. I have no clue what to do! Why did I do this?! Why am I here?! What was I thinking?! I should be at home watching Chopped or something. Just then, I see a baby sea lion.

They said we’d see sea lions on this tour, I just never thought I’d see my first in a huge ass whale’s mouth. It’s little baby sea lions trigger something. That something that only Oceania Jones has. That something that tells me I’m going to ride this dolphin into the air, and throw my hat into its blowhole, thus forcing it to open its mouth and release us.

I ride over to that baby sea lion, tap it on its little baby sea lion head, then ride to the farthest part of this whales mouth, Evil Kneel style. Shits gonna get real. I rev Frank up (the dolphin) and look over to the boat. This could be the end of my life. I look right into that weird Kate Upton girls eyes and yell, “IF I MAKE IT OUT ALIVE, I’M GOING TO TAKE YOU UP ON THAT MAKEOUT OFFER!” She blows a kiss, I tip my hat, and then hit the switch on this dolphin. We’re going fast! 10 mph, 20 mph, 30 mph, 40 mph…we’re almost at the blowhole…I realize we’re not going fast enough, I’m going to have to jump into the air to make the distance to the blowhole…the moment comes and I jump and toss my hat in the air like I’m LeBron James.

As I’m falling, I see the hat go perfectly into the blowhole and lodge. IT WORKED. I’m still falling. Still falling. Then I hit the water and fade to black.

It didn’t work…it’s still dark. I can’t see anything. I’m afraid. Then I feel the softest touch on my lips. I open my eyes. It’s Kate Upton trying to give me mouth to mouth. I never want to let a Squints-Peffercorn pass me by, so I start to make out with her. She stands up, looking startled and says, “did you just Sandlot Kate Upton.” UGHGUG! Why does she keep calling herself by her own name! Gross. She smiles. I smile (reluctantly, because she’s weird with the name thing).

Then I notice, we made it! We’re back on the seas! We made it out of that whale’s mouth!

The Captain thanks me for saving the boats life, the kids praise me for being their hero for the rest of their life and Kate Upton makes out with me. Just as I think things can’t get any better, Frank pulls up alongside the boat wearing my hat. He thanks me telepathically. I take the hat and tip it to him in honor of our future adventures! Another tale of Oceania Jones, saving lives!

Overall, I’d say this is a good Groupon and you should take advantage of it. It can get a little dangerous, but we all need a little danger now and then, right?

With Adventure,

Oceania Jones