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My End of Year Review of Stuff You May Want To Enjoy But I’m Not Holding Your Feet To The Fire, You Do What You Want…2012

December 28

Listen, I’m cooler than most everyone. Cool people call themselves cool right? That’s a thing? Yes? YES. Well rest assured I’m cool, I eat kale! Yep, surrrrre do! With pine nuts sometimes, so that should be proof enough. And if you want more proof, sometimes I’ll put that shit in a smoothie. KALE SMOOTHIE! Yeah, I’m on another level, deal with it.

So given my coolness, just know that in the year 2012, I’ve seen good movies, and listened to rad music, done things, and been places. But I’m not going to validate my coolness (other than that kale pine nut business) by listing things. That said, as the Mayans foretold, it’s an obligation of writing stuff and putting it places, to list something at the end of the year. Cavemen did it (Top 10 Dinosaur Incidents That Chuck Got Out Of), Bible did it (Top 10 Bible-y Things in the Bible), and in the future they do it (Top 10 Ways to Escape Planet Volcano Lazers And Will.I.Am Musical Sounds).

THUS…I will list one thing that is a double whammy. One of my favorite books I read, accompanied by one of my favorite albums I listened to whilst I read said book. I MULTI-TASK!

The book you ask? The Antidote by Oliver Burkeman. Pure gold. Insightful, humorous, delicious (I ate the book after I read it…I have a “thing”)

The album you gasp? Fabrizio Paterlini’s “Autumn Stories” Emotional, beautiful, probably delicious (I can’t eat MP3’s…yet)

What did you expect? The Hunger Games and Ke$ha? Even typing that dollar sign in the name made me feel rotten. Ugh. So there you have it, a book and an album that just blew your mind out of your mind holder. Go buy both, and enjoy them together. You may even learn something! What was that? You learned something from the Ke$sh alb…do I have to type that dollar sign? Ke$…ahhhh, I do! My hands are being controlled by Ke$ha…ahhhhhhhHhhhHhhhh!!!!! NO! NO, KE$HA I WON’T LET THIS HAPPEN! STOP IT!!! Ke$ha is the best! WAIIIITTT, I DIDN’T TYPE THAT! What, did you get a voodoo doll? KE$HAS ALBUM iZ NUmBA 1…NO! KE$SHA STOP! I don’t want to type in your abbreviated dumb text type idiot future language…I…am fighting…so…hard…Your music…is AWFUL…and you look like a weird valley girl robot….AHHHH!!!

I beat Kesha! PHEW! You guys, lesson learned…don’t try to slander Kesha on the Internet. She will voodoo your fingers into typing positive things about her.

Goodbye 2012. Hello 2025! Ke$ha RULZ!!!

NOOOO!!!!! NOT AGAIN!!!

Good Luck!

December 21

Just wanted to send a note wishing everyone good luck making it out of this apocalypse. May your feet be swift to escape the rushing lava, and may your arms shield you from the torrential downpour of acidic rain. Goshspeed.

-Justin J. Johnson, December 21, 2012

Green M&M, Blue M&M Dating: Actress, Guitarist Kiss At LAX

December 17

I, like most people, hate the world of celebrity gossip. In fact, I wish our society was more obsessed with other ridiculous things like mermaids, or monsters, or let’s say those weird, real life M&M’s. So, I’ve taken a recently published article that deals with celebrity gossip, and replaced it with real life M&M’s. Because, let’s face it…that’s more interesting, isn’t it?
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Wedding Bells for Blue M&M and Green M&M?

Green M&M is no longer single. Us Weekly reports that the “Mars Brand” treat is dating Blue M&M, a Mars Brand treat himself who also happens to be the ex-boyfriend of sassy Ms. Brown M&M (they split in 2011).

Green M&M and Blue M&M both 43, were photographed kissing while trying to depart from LAX airport Wednesday. The new couple also held hands as they strolled through the airport wearing boots and shoes. And while the romance is new, their friendship is not. “They went to college together,” a source told the magazine. “It’s going really well.”

Green M&M is no stranger to dating within Hollywood, of course. She previously dated Red M&M, Yellow M&M, Orange M&M (whom she married, then broke up with after only four months) and Bradley Cooper.

Here’s a link to the real article should you be so inclined to read: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/12/13/renee-zellweger-doyle-bramhall-ii-dating-actress-guitarist_n_2292138.html?utm_hp_ref=celebrity

Hipster Christmas Miracles – Death Grips for Cutie

December 5

Another installment of Hipster Christmas Miracles.

Hipster Christmas Miracles - Death Grips For Cutie — Hipster Christmas Miracles – Death Grips For Cutie

SONG: Possum In My Christmas Tree by Justin J. Johnson

December 3

Why call this a demo? I’m not sure, I’m sure not going to be able to keep pace any better, or play any better. Regardless, here’s a cut from what could be a potential X-mas album…we’ll see! Possum in My Christmas Tree!

Loose Leaf Tea Bag vs. On The Loose Leaf Tea Bag by Justin J. Johnson

November 29

New cartoon: Loose Leaf Tea Bag vs. On The Loose Leaf Tea Bag by Justin J. Johnson

Cartoon: Loose Leaf Tea Bag by Justin J. Johnson

Christmas Song – Santa Claus Has a Drinking Problem by Justin J. Johnson

November 20

Santa Claus is a Drunk by Justin J. Johnson

Justin J. Johnson Responds To YouTube Comments – Episode 0.83

November 3

In this ongoing series, Justin J. Johnson will respond to YouTube comments. We’re not sure he got the message though, because apparently he’s just watching random videos on YouTube and not Rigor Tortoise videos. In any case, don’t forget to subscribe to Rigor Tortoise’s channel and comment!

David Bowie Singing At An Irish Pub in Pico

November 3

Justin J. Johnson discusses the origins of cities including Banana, Missouri, picking words, Q&A’s, how to start your own city, Chipotle, Halloween, not being a mattress, pushing, sleeping on hay, comforts, and take aways.

911 Call – Person Stuck in a Kitchenette

October 29

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