rigor tortoise | the justin johnson show

It’s Time For Tampax Change!

May 9

Listen fair reader, I’m coming up with genius ideas DAILY! Maybe even minutely! But here’s the difference between myself and everyone else…I take the steps to make a difference! So naturally, when my recent idea came to revolutionize the Tampax and grocery store world, I decided to e-mail their customer service department and see if we could bring about some change…

Here is the full copy…

Hello! First and foremost, let me establish the fact that any girl I’ve ever known has fully endorsed your products. It’s safe to say I know nothing about tampons, but I do know lots of women use them. This, however, isn’t my life story from the perspective of tampons…I’ll save that for my memoirs.

This is more of a suggestion…I think tampons should be placed in random sections across the grocery store!

Why you ask? Well, I fear nothing…nothing at all. Snakes? Nope, don’t fear them. Spiders? Nope, could care less. Ghosts? “I ain’t fraid of no ghosts.” Tampon shopping? Nope, don’t care, I’ll buy em all day. But after watching a gentleman awkwardly buy them, I had a thought…

If these were in the meat aisle, you could casually buy a beefsteak and a period stopper. Easy, peezy! Put em in the hot sauce aisle, so you can casually purchase some Tapatio and Tampax! In fact…that’s a great slogan! USE IT! I’ll letcha! I’m all for uniting products in the grocery store. This isn’t just for Tampax, this is also for candles, tape, cereal, ketchup, tofu, soap, fresh fruit, bug spray, EVERYTHING! Too long these products have been segregated! It’s 2012, let’s just put them all together!!!

I hope you take my suggestion into consideration, and if I walk into the grocery store and find everything living together, not segregated to a specific aisle, I’ll know my time on this Earth was time well spent…and take that knowledge to the next Earth! Do you guys believe in 2nd Earth…let’s not get into that now!

T4L (Tampax 4 Life)

Three (VERY) Important Things I Learned This Weekend

May 7

Hey Readers And/Or People Who Are Listening To Other People Read This To Them!

I hate to start anything with a direct quote from Abraham Lincoln, but I believe he was the one who said, “party hard on the weekends, and make sure you have some takeaways.” Well Abie L, I did. Here they are, in a particular order:

1. Father John Misty is the best dancer in the music game today.

Dare you to find a better dancer. Honestly, I dare you. What’s at stake? How about your mind not being blown by his sweet dance moves if you don’t go see him live. That’s what is at stake! So maybe you should get off of your ass and go see him live.

I’m sorry. I got real aggressive there, and I shouldn’t have. But…it’s just…you kept asking me what was at stake for this dare, and it’s like, I’ve told you a million times…a dare is just a dare. Cool it. ALSO! This is a behind the scenes thing that I learned, but Father John Misty’s new album, “Fear Fun” is definitely one of my favorites of the year thus far. So while you’re buying those tickets, meeehhhh, go buy the album too (Woody Allen impersonation).

2. It is possible to get lost in Griffith Park.

Oh, you don’t think so?! I’ll tell you what, you’re being a taddd too aggressive/defensive/something today for my taste. In any case, you being a jerk aside, it is possible to get lost. So take water and stuff with you. GOT IT?! I’m sorry, even though you’re being real weird to me today, I still want you to keep on living, so if you get lost, have water with you and keep walking.

3. I would join Brit Marling’s cult.

After viewing the pretty rad film that is “Sound of My Voice” I realized that, after inquiring with the local Arclight staff on how I could join the apparently fictional cult represented in the film, I’m a pretty easy target for joining cults. Please don’t ask me to join a cult. Unless you’re Brit Marling. Then, then I’ll do it. Mehh, I’ll probably do it no matter what, so just don’t ask.

Can’t wait until next weekend when I learn what this “kale” stuff is all about!

New Character – Carpet Munchers

May 2

Gradual-a-gram

May 1

Hey There Fair Reader!

As you all may know from my previous endeavors, I’m what you might call, a “smart cookie.” What type? Good question fair reader, umm…I’m not sure. Perhaps walnut chocolate chip. Oh! You’re allergic to walnuts? That sucks, I love walnuts. How about plain chocolate chip? Cool! SOOO, I’m a smart chocolate chip cookie! Being that, I’m on the cutting edge of innovation and constantly coming up with great ideas. Which leads me to my newest invention/idea/thing:

Gradual-a-gram! As you all are probably aware, Instagram is the HIPPEST way of taking photos on your electronic device. But what about people who long for the way photos used to look while they developed…gradually? Well hunger games no longer for those photos, because with my brand new app, you can take a photo and it will come out a messy blur, just like photos used to look prior to developing. Below you will find some test photos. GET EXCITED WORLD!

Oooh! What will this develop into? A picture of the ocean?! A picture of your lady wearing a hat?! A little pig with boots on?! How about below that? Is that a lush landscape? A chupacabra? A T-Rex?! Nobody may know!