Uncategorized - the justin johnson show

My Dad’s Steps To Growing a Kickass Pumpkin Patch

June 27

Hey There Internet Audience and/or Metropolitan Opera House Audience (I assume you’re either reading this on the Internet, or this is being read to you at the MET as these are the only two options I know of when it comes to my “stuff”)!

First thing you should know about me: I’m a saucy gemini. The sauce? Sriracha. So really, I’m a sriracha gemini. Second thing you should know about me: I like to keep my personal life personal. Do I have a dog? You’ll never know. Do I live in a house? You’ll never know. Do I sleep at night? Dream on, you’ll never know. Also, why don’t people use, “dream on” as their departing phrase. A chance encounter with a friend at the Whole Foods. You exchange some small talk, they say they have to go and you know what you shoot right back at em? “Dream on! See you Tuesday.” I assume you’re going to see most of your friends on Tuesday, am I right?

Where was I? Oh yeah, personal life. You’re never going to know anything about me! But I will give you this…are you sitting down…are you ready?

I have a Dad. Scratch that. I have an AMAZING Dad. He’s the best. YOU DON’T BELIEVE ME?!?! Well guess what jerk, I’m going to prove you wrong.

Recently I visited my Dad’s place of residence…some call it his home. And in the yard, I stumbled upon this:

Yeah, that’s right. It’s a goddamned pumpkin patch! With a goddamned giant pumpkin! Did I mention he lives in the desert, and the pumpkin patch is in a random area of the yard. Yeah, that’s how he roles, like an effin champion! My Dad, the champ! Seeing this amazing thing I asked the question on everyone’s mind…how’d this come about Dad?

Welppp, get ready, because I’m going to share with you, my Dad’s secrets to growing a successful pumpkin patch!

Step 1: buy a pumpkin during Halloween.
Step 2: let it sit outside for a long time.
Step 3: dig a hole.
Step 4: crack the pumpkin and throw it in the hole.
Step 5: cover the hole.
Step 6: water the area.

BAM! To recap, my dad just took a pumpkin he bought, broke that sonuvabitch in half, threw it in a hole and BAM, a pumpkin patch!

He wins so hard at life! You guys are lucky to be reading his secrets.

Dream On,

Justin

Congrass!

May 15

New cartoon I did. I’m getting WAY political.

It’s Time For Tampax Change!

May 9

Listen fair reader, I’m coming up with genius ideas DAILY! Maybe even minutely! But here’s the difference between myself and everyone else…I take the steps to make a difference! So naturally, when my recent idea came to revolutionize the Tampax and grocery store world, I decided to e-mail their customer service department and see if we could bring about some change…

Here is the full copy…

Hello! First and foremost, let me establish the fact that any girl I’ve ever known has fully endorsed your products. It’s safe to say I know nothing about tampons, but I do know lots of women use them. This, however, isn’t my life story from the perspective of tampons…I’ll save that for my memoirs.

This is more of a suggestion…I think tampons should be placed in random sections across the grocery store!

Why you ask? Well, I fear nothing…nothing at all. Snakes? Nope, don’t fear them. Spiders? Nope, could care less. Ghosts? “I ain’t fraid of no ghosts.” Tampon shopping? Nope, don’t care, I’ll buy em all day. But after watching a gentleman awkwardly buy them, I had a thought…

If these were in the meat aisle, you could casually buy a beefsteak and a period stopper. Easy, peezy! Put em in the hot sauce aisle, so you can casually purchase some Tapatio and Tampax! In fact…that’s a great slogan! USE IT! I’ll letcha! I’m all for uniting products in the grocery store. This isn’t just for Tampax, this is also for candles, tape, cereal, ketchup, tofu, soap, fresh fruit, bug spray, EVERYTHING! Too long these products have been segregated! It’s 2012, let’s just put them all together!!!

I hope you take my suggestion into consideration, and if I walk into the grocery store and find everything living together, not segregated to a specific aisle, I’ll know my time on this Earth was time well spent…and take that knowledge to the next Earth! Do you guys believe in 2nd Earth…let’s not get into that now!

T4L (Tampax 4 Life)

Three (VERY) Important Things I Learned This Weekend

May 7

Hey Readers And/Or People Who Are Listening To Other People Read This To Them!

I hate to start anything with a direct quote from Abraham Lincoln, but I believe he was the one who said, “party hard on the weekends, and make sure you have some takeaways.” Well Abie L, I did. Here they are, in a particular order:

1. Father John Misty is the best dancer in the music game today.

Dare you to find a better dancer. Honestly, I dare you. What’s at stake? How about your mind not being blown by his sweet dance moves if you don’t go see him live. That’s what is at stake! So maybe you should get off of your ass and go see him live.

I’m sorry. I got real aggressive there, and I shouldn’t have. But…it’s just…you kept asking me what was at stake for this dare, and it’s like, I’ve told you a million times…a dare is just a dare. Cool it. ALSO! This is a behind the scenes thing that I learned, but Father John Misty’s new album, “Fear Fun” is definitely one of my favorites of the year thus far. So while you’re buying those tickets, meeehhhh, go buy the album too (Woody Allen impersonation).

2. It is possible to get lost in Griffith Park.

Oh, you don’t think so?! I’ll tell you what, you’re being a taddd too aggressive/defensive/something today for my taste. In any case, you being a jerk aside, it is possible to get lost. So take water and stuff with you. GOT IT?! I’m sorry, even though you’re being real weird to me today, I still want you to keep on living, so if you get lost, have water with you and keep walking.

3. I would join Brit Marling’s cult.

After viewing the pretty rad film that is “Sound of My Voice” I realized that, after inquiring with the local Arclight staff on how I could join the apparently fictional cult represented in the film, I’m a pretty easy target for joining cults. Please don’t ask me to join a cult. Unless you’re Brit Marling. Then, then I’ll do it. Mehh, I’ll probably do it no matter what, so just don’t ask.

Can’t wait until next weekend when I learn what this “kale” stuff is all about!

More Slugs

April 20

The Lost Headless Characters of Sleepy Hollow

March 9

Upon the suggestion of www.rtcomedy.com member, Greg Castle, I created a series of cartoons celebrating The Lost Headless Characters of Sleepy Hollow. Recently some dude put them all together in one perfect list. Enjoy!

http://www.buzzfeed.com/wesandersoncooper/the-lost-headless-characters-of-sleepy-hollow-4u9z

Can’t Stop With These Hipster Christmas Miracles

December 15

Unconveyable Run-On Sentence Ideas (aka: This Probably Makes No Sense, and Why Should It, It Came From My Brain)

December 5

If you are a person who really loves to blend, and just wants to blend for the rest of your life, and then meet a genie and have been chewing on ice so the way you pronounce things is slightly off and you say “I just want to blend for the rest of my life,” but it sounds like, “I just want to blind for the rest of my life” and that genie is a stickler and it’s your last wish…man…man, that just sucks.

This will soon be the site of Justin J. Johnson!

August 1

Right now it is being built. Deal with it.

Whilst building be built, if you need your Justin J. Johnson fix you can go to…

www.rtcomedy.com – one stop place to shop for everything Rigor Tortoise related.

www.twitter.com/justinjjohnson – one stop place to shop for everything Justin J. Johnson has to say in limited characters.

http://thejustinjohnsonshow.tumblr.com/ – one stop tumblr shop for everything Justin J. Johnson posts on Tumblr.

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