rigor tortoise | the justin johnson show

The REAL Justin Johnson is Calling You Out Justin Bieber!

August 2

Hey Biebs, Beebs, or Beibs,

Firstly I don’t know how to spell it, and you need to calm down already because if you think for a second I’m gonna Google it, you’re dead wrong, you jerk!

Secondly quit whispering about girlfriends and answer my e-mail! It’s been 3 weeks now, and I e-mailed you directly to what I assume is your Gmail address, justinbieber@gmail.com, and you’re not answering! I need answers Bleib! And I need them now!

The above is my e-mail, look familiar Bieber?!

Ever sense you tried to be me…and by the way, get real there leibs, you’ll never be me, so keep dreabing…I’ve had the cops thinking I’m being chased by the Papparazzi and they’re tailing my every move to ensure I’m “safe.” Well guess what Leave it to Bleiber, having cops around you all the time, isn’t exactly a trip to the funzone!

Thus far you have…
A) Tried to be me, which is sick! QUIT SINGLE WHITE FEMAILING ME!
B) Ruined my life, which is now a permanent low speed, no laws being broken, police chase.
Andddd…
C) I don’t know what “C” is yet, but if you don’t aplogize, I’m sure it will be awful so quit being a jerk!

Honestly, the new album is dope.

Sincerely,

The REAL Justin Johnson!

Indie Rock Trading Deadline

August 1

Listen reader, if you’re reading this I’m betting you don’t know where you’re at. Perhaps you were searching for knit rugs and somehow got here, but I’m A) not judging you, and B) not going to try to figure out what miracle happened to lead you here. That said, I’ve got about 3 followers on Twitter, despite the fact that I’m lighting it up constantly like I’m Clark Griswold! (note to self: add that phrase as a lyric to my rap cd I’m working on). In any case, yesterday all of my worlds collided and #IndieRockTradingDeadline was trending on Twitter. And get this, two of my Indie Rock Trading Deadline tweets were featured on PasteMagazine.com. Don’t believe ME?!?! Check yourself fool! AND, check this out!

http://www.pastemagazine.com/blogs/1000words/2012/07/20-great-indierocktradedeadline-tweets.html

Harsh My Mallow

July 25

New cartoon…

Rigor Tortoise – Personal Batman

July 23

The latest from Rigor Tortoise!

Concentrated Light Information Technology

July 10

The latest from Rigor Tortoise, “Concentrated Light Information Technology.”

Van Diagram

July 3

My latest cartoon…

Limbinary!

June 28

My Dad’s Steps To Growing a Kickass Pumpkin Patch

June 27

Hey There Internet Audience and/or Metropolitan Opera House Audience (I assume you’re either reading this on the Internet, or this is being read to you at the MET as these are the only two options I know of when it comes to my “stuff”)!

First thing you should know about me: I’m a saucy gemini. The sauce? Sriracha. So really, I’m a sriracha gemini. Second thing you should know about me: I like to keep my personal life personal. Do I have a dog? You’ll never know. Do I live in a house? You’ll never know. Do I sleep at night? Dream on, you’ll never know. Also, why don’t people use, “dream on” as their departing phrase. A chance encounter with a friend at the Whole Foods. You exchange some small talk, they say they have to go and you know what you shoot right back at em? “Dream on! See you Tuesday.” I assume you’re going to see most of your friends on Tuesday, am I right?

Where was I? Oh yeah, personal life. You’re never going to know anything about me! But I will give you this…are you sitting down…are you ready?

I have a Dad. Scratch that. I have an AMAZING Dad. He’s the best. YOU DON’T BELIEVE ME?!?! Well guess what jerk, I’m going to prove you wrong.

Recently I visited my Dad’s place of residence…some call it his home. And in the yard, I stumbled upon this:

Yeah, that’s right. It’s a goddamned pumpkin patch! With a goddamned giant pumpkin! Did I mention he lives in the desert, and the pumpkin patch is in a random area of the yard. Yeah, that’s how he roles, like an effin champion! My Dad, the champ! Seeing this amazing thing I asked the question on everyone’s mind…how’d this come about Dad?

Welppp, get ready, because I’m going to share with you, my Dad’s secrets to growing a successful pumpkin patch!

Step 1: buy a pumpkin during Halloween.
Step 2: let it sit outside for a long time.
Step 3: dig a hole.
Step 4: crack the pumpkin and throw it in the hole.
Step 5: cover the hole.
Step 6: water the area.

BAM! To recap, my dad just took a pumpkin he bought, broke that sonuvabitch in half, threw it in a hole and BAM, a pumpkin patch!

He wins so hard at life! You guys are lucky to be reading his secrets.

Dream On,

Justin

My Vision Board

June 26

Everyone has been telling me that if I want to better achieve success, I should make a Vision Board! So I did…but I don’t think I did it’s right…and furthermore, I don’t think it likes me.

Magician Letters

June 19

New cartoon I did.

Tag: rigor tortoise